MommyJacking Marathon: Wait ‘Til You Have Kids Edition

stfuparents:

One of the most common retorts in a mommyjacker’s comment arsenal is some form of, “Just wait until you have kids.” In a sense, all of mommyjacking can be explained in those six words, so for a while I found myself more interested in submissions that didn’t include some variation of that classic response. It wasn’t that I was bored of those submissions so much as I wanted to highlight other types of mommyjacking, like deathjacking and shamejacking and milestonejacking. But while I was busy posting those slightly “edgier” examples, I was still collecting a diaper pail’s worth of classic mommyjacking submissions that, when read together, are simply hilarious.

I suppose I just enjoy rounding up analogous submissions and then reading them in succession for kicks. Read independently, the submissions are slightly obnoxious, but together, they create a megamommyjacking entity, like a force field of narcissism. Below, I’ve collected some (not even all!) of these classic hijackings to take things old school, mommyjacking style.

1. Your Good Week < Your Firstborn 

Hey, Lindsay, did you get a promotion or a clean bill of health or eat an awesome plate of nachos or something? Just wait til your lil first child is born [self-righteous winky face]. The feeling is out of the world. THE WORLD!

2. USPS Delivery < Baby Delivery

I love Alexandra’s response here. It’s a three-pronged approach: 

  • I don’t want to have a baby right now and find your comment laughable.
  • I’m actually hoping for the opposite of a baby, as I plan to dedicate the next several years of my life to medical school.
  • I’m now spelling out what USPS means.

3. Napping Hierarchy

Ohhh, the unladylike things I want to say to Stana but won’t because my mother occasionally reads this blog. I will say this, though: What kind of monster “ranks” napping? “Your nap wasn’t as pleasant as my nap! Your nap was like falling asleep on a dirty hammock made of rusty twine and my nap was like falling asleep on a fluffy cloud over the ocean! Baby Naps Reprazent!“ 

As long as you’re not napping with a rake, a hornet’s nest or an open bag of tacks, who gives a shit? It’s probably pretty relaxing.

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